Sunday, 03 November 2019 20:03

The Expert Saboteur — Part 1 Featured

Written by
Rate this item
(0 votes)

The self-saboteur pushes others away. I was writing about the loneliness of the most successful when I somehow changed course as I was analysing the reasons some successful people destroy their success. They wreck their marriage and relationship, business and money, etc. It is not a guarantee that when you make it to the top, you will stay on top.

I had a five-hours-plus counselling with a couple who worked together, suffered, starved until they were successful. They were building a mansion in their native country in Africa. Lots of their peers envy them, but by the time I was meeting with them, they had seen four marriage counsellors, and they decided they will end the marriage and share their labour if after meeting with me they could not reconcile.

The reason I spent all those hours counselling this couple was because I was researching on their issue, collecting data, analysing the data so I can advise. Any data I receive doesn’t make sense. It brings the need to ask more questions – research until the data started making sense. I spent quality time to mine the data, separated the data, analyse and applied. Everyone agreed with the root cause the moment I identified the real issue, and that alone was the solution to whatever was the reason they thought they were separating.

As a Relationship and Christian Sex Meditation Counsellor, I found in most Christian or religious breakup, most couples collaborated and had a dream together. They built their vision, and soon one partner starts sabotaging the dream or the relationship unconsciously. These couples suffered and made a life of success, and once they are successful, they discover the cracks they never paid attention earlier, the breaks they covered with prayer was no longer a crack. It has given way, exploded into thin air. Couples that were once emulated by all are in a rush to end the relationship and find their separate ways.

In life, you never plan what will happen to you. You plan what you want to achieve, but on your journey, the things you cannot control will sometimes try to redefine the outcome. You have a choice to allow the narrative of the challenge or you change the story by not reacting but responding. Couples who people envy start struggling, and they will not share their struggles with loved ones. They become depressed and thinking about taking their life. For these couples, the success they acquired made things worse or brought out the worst in them.

Why will people jeopardise their happiness all because they became successful in an endeavour? Success’ means different things to different people, but it’s something that we all seek in our way. Many obstacles can get in the way of finding one’s version of success, whatever that may be. It does not matter which areas they experienced success, and they can somehow tend to jeopardise anything good around them. Whether you refer to it as self-defeating behaviour or standing in your way, self-sabotage can interfere with the best-laid plans and goals. Why do they do it? There are indeed many reasons why, instead of shooting for the moon, they end up aiming right for their foot.  They become their worst enemy.

Self-sabotage is any action that gets in the way of your intent. Call it getting in your way, jeopardising your success, call it self-defeating behaviour, call it shooting yourself accidentally in the foot, it is what we know as self-sabotaging. It can be unconscious, and most people are in denial. Many people destroy their relationship, fantastic marriage, business, and success in any endeavour through self-sabotage.

They have an unconscious feeling like they are not worthy; they do not deserve to be successful. Sometimes, it could be underlining guilt. A little concept called cognitive dissonance gives us the answer. People like to be consistent. Usually, our actions line up with our beliefs and values. But when they don’t, they get uncomfortable and try to line them up again. That’s why, if they start to stack up some achievements, but think they’re worthless, incapable, or fill-in-the-blank deficient, they pull the plug to get rid of the disagreement. It feels wrong to fail, but not as bad as it does to succeed.

Another reason why people are self-sabotaging is the need for control. On their part, unconsciously, they feel better to control their failure rather than allowing it to blindside them. They have the in-depth feeling they are not capable of sharing the love so unconsciously; they create problems from issues that are not problematic. They are on a quest to destroy what they think they are not capable of giving. Since they cannot give, they are too proud to receive. They are spinning out of control, so they indulge in self-sabotage.

I come to observe that most marriages fail when couples have achieved a dream together. Initially, they struggled, dig in, and finally, they are reaping the fruit of their hard work. Then one partner is scared and starts screwing things up, frustrate and anger their spouse. They push their spouse to hate them, so they have a reason to end the marriage or relationship. They become too stupid and no longer make any sense. Soon they succeed in offending their spouse. They get what they always wanted, divorce. They did everything to drive the marriage to fail. They can’t see they are the issue. They blame their better half and have good reasons.

Context-specific is the specific reasons why someone may self-sabotage their relationship. People are different with different past: parenting, childhood, teenage years and first serious relationships all affect how we act right now. One big reason most people sabotage their relationships is the fear of intimacy. They are afraid of emotional or physical closeness with other people, mostly from people who love them. We all crave for intimacy, but some people with specific experiences may find the intimacy linked to a cynical and not positive experience. They then exhibit a "push-and-pull"-type behaviour that leads to a relationship breakup or avoidance.

Some people who have experienced childhood trauma (physical, sexual, emotional) or abusive parental relationship have a certain degree of fear of intimacy. They are afraid they will get hurt by people they trust. The moment they trust their spouse, they tend to sabotage the relationship because trust makes them weak. It is a psychological problem and not spiritual. Their earlier trusting relationship with parents or caregivers were broken by abuse. People who fear intimacy believe that people who love them will inevitably hurt them.

Most people often want success so badly that they ruin it before it begins. Overthinking, fantasising;  Imagining; Expecting; Worrying; and Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve. All self-sabotage, lack of belief in themselves, low self-esteem, judgements, criticisms, and demands for perfection are forms of self-abuse in which one destroys the very essence of their vitality. Self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war. It is the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind where the subconscious mind always eventually wins. People with low self-esteem are more likely to sabotage themselves when something good happens to them because they don't feel deserving.

6419 comments

  • Comment Link golden goose shoes Monday, 25 July 2022 20:04 posted by golden goose shoes

    I truly wanted to send a note in order to express gratitude to you for all the lovely solutions you are showing here. My long internet search has at the end of the day been rewarded with reasonable concept to exchange with my friends. I 'd say that most of us visitors actually are undoubtedly lucky to dwell in a great site with so many lovely professionals with very beneficial basics. I feel quite privileged to have used your entire web page and look forward to plenty of more pleasurable minutes reading here. Thanks again for all the details.

  • Comment Link supreme outlet Monday, 25 July 2022 04:02 posted by supreme outlet

    I am only writing to let you be aware of what a incredible discovery my girl had browsing your web page. She even learned lots of pieces, with the inclusion of how it is like to have an ideal teaching mood to have the others very easily know precisely chosen complex things. You really did more than people's desires. Many thanks for showing such useful, trustworthy, edifying as well as unique thoughts on this topic to Julie.

  • Comment Link osamusushi Sunday, 24 July 2022 23:16 posted by osamusushi

    los angeles angels baseball hats new york kate middleton recent outfits san francisco giants new era mlb coop 39thirty cap disney line wedding dresses adidas pink falcon sneakers adidas crazy light boost 2015 usa jp

  • Comment Link nike off whtie Sunday, 24 July 2022 13:06 posted by nike off whtie

    I must show my thanks to the writer just for bailing me out of this particular incident. Just after checking through the world wide web and finding principles which were not helpful, I believed my life was gone. Being alive without the approaches to the difficulties you have resolved by way of your short article is a serious case, as well as ones which might have in a negative way damaged my career if I had not discovered your blog. Your good skills and kindness in dealing with almost everything was priceless. I don't know what I would have done if I had not encountered such a thing like this. I am able to at this time relish my future. Thanks a lot very much for the impressive and effective guide. I will not be reluctant to endorse your web site to any individual who ought to have support about this issue.

  • Comment Link off white shoes Sunday, 24 July 2022 07:49 posted by off white shoes

    I am only writing to let you know what a fantastic experience my cousin's child found browsing yuor web blog. She even learned a lot of details, with the inclusion of what it's like to have a wonderful teaching mood to make a number of people without problems fully understand certain problematic issues. You really exceeded readers' expected results. I appreciate you for distributing those invaluable, trustworthy, revealing as well as fun tips about this topic to Evelyn.

  • Comment Link goyard bags Saturday, 23 July 2022 18:56 posted by goyard bags

    I precisely desired to appreciate you all over again. I do not know the things I could possibly have followed without the type of suggestions discussed by you on this concern. It was actually an absolute frightening dilemma for me personally, nevertheless spending time with this specialised tactic you resolved that made me to jump for gladness. Extremely thankful for this support and in addition trust you comprehend what an amazing job you were doing educating many others all through your web page. I am sure you have never come across any of us.

  • Comment Link bape clothing Saturday, 23 July 2022 02:38 posted by bape clothing

    I must show appreciation to you just for rescuing me from such a matter. Right after surfing throughout the online world and meeting strategies which were not helpful, I believed my life was over. Living minus the approaches to the issues you have solved as a result of your good website is a critical case, and those which could have adversely damaged my career if I hadn't encountered the blog. Your personal understanding and kindness in dealing with the whole lot was valuable. I am not sure what I would have done if I hadn't come across such a solution like this. I'm able to now look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot very much for the specialized and results-oriented guide. I will not hesitate to refer your blog to any person who should get guide about this subject.

  • Comment Link cheap kd 12 Friday, 22 July 2022 22:40 posted by cheap kd 12

    I really wanted to jot down a brief note so as to express gratitude to you for these unique advice you are placing here. My time intensive internet investigation has at the end of the day been rewarded with extremely good insight to share with my colleagues. I would suppose that most of us website visitors are unequivocally lucky to exist in a wonderful website with very many awesome individuals with insightful tips. I feel very blessed to have discovered your entire web page and look forward to tons of more thrilling minutes reading here. Thanks a lot once more for all the details.

  • Comment Link cheap kyrie 7 Friday, 22 July 2022 07:52 posted by cheap kyrie 7

    I together with my buddies were found to be examining the good points on the blog then suddenly got a horrible suspicion I never expressed respect to you for those strategies. My boys ended up joyful to see them and have honestly been having fun with these things. We appreciate you truly being considerably helpful and for having variety of good themes most people are really eager to discover. Our sincere regret for not expressing appreciation to you sooner.

  • Comment Link curry shoes Thursday, 21 July 2022 18:59 posted by curry shoes

    My wife and i got now fortunate that Chris could round up his homework from your precious recommendations he gained using your blog. It's not at all simplistic to just choose to be giving out hints which usually the others may have been trying to sell. Therefore we keep in mind we now have the blog owner to thank for that. Those illustrations you have made, the straightforward site menu, the relationships you give support to engender - it is all remarkable, and it is making our son and us reckon that that topic is amusing, which is certainly exceedingly essential. Thanks for everything!

Leave a comment

Make sure you enter all the required information, indicated by an asterisk (*). HTML code is not allowed.